Questions on my Mind
04:18 Jan 16 2007
Times Read: 955
Don't you hate it when someone you love tries to hide from you, even though they have no reason to admit to do it... or at least you cannot really believe the reason behind it.
Well, I don't know what to do about it anymore. I have emotions that match this person's fears and so I am left battling my own fears and trying to cope with their's too. Maybe I am trying to take on too many of their thoughts... or trying to figure their thoughts out even... or maybe I am just tired of trying to piece it all together when there are not enough puzzle pieces to begin with.
*Yes, I know I am talking in circles, I do it often online and in real life, just ask the people who talk to me a lot or read my journals or what not. I talk in riddles and run-ons quite often, especially when I am feeling drained, as I am right now.*
Maybe I am losing my mind a little bit since I long so badly to be with one person and maybe I am reading into most things to deeply, not enough, or wrongly as I do so. But I can't help it! I have always observed things from the sidelines and now I am developing a disdain for it since I want to have some control in fulfilling a need to help one person in my life, yet I can't. I won't give up though, I refuse. I love him too much to let him be when I know he damn well doesn't want to be there. He doesn't want walls going back up, not after they came down. He doesn't want there to be a distance growing between us, yet I can feel it growing on my side too.
Everything is two sided. Nothing has happened without both of us taking some part in it. Our walls came down because the other pushed with the right force, we feel happy because the other feels secure, etc. But now the time has come that our actions have some negative aftereffects, more then they ever have before. It has come to the point that if one hides, the other does the same.
The question is simple, what happens if one day, one of us do not come out of our hiding place?
Will that be the end of it all?
Will it be lost with the flame of hope that would burn out?
I don't know the answers but I wish I did. The unknown scares me now more then ever because everything is resting in the hands of a darkness that has not been explored yet. I have always hated the unknown, now I just have more of a reason to do so... maybe I should just look at it all as a learning experience, a way of growing, of discovering who I am... but I don't want to get hurt or let him be hurt in the process.
I won't let him stay in the dark for long, but whether he takes my hand or not is another question...
Going Home TODAY!
07:58 Jan 09 2007
Times Read: 962
Later this evening, I will be boarding a bus to go back to Ohio. This wasn't supposed to happen for a week from Friday but yeah plans changed big time.
My Aunt Betty who had cancer died on Sunday and I just found out yesterday. The funeral services are today and the burial tomorrow.
I feel horrible that I can't make it in time for the funeral services but I truly want to make it for the burial. My mom is amazing! She has worked with Brett and I on getting me home in such a short time frame. I only wish that I can become half the woman my mommy is now.
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On the other side of things, I feel guilty as hell because I want to stay here. I have been crying because I don't want to go home. I have an overbearing feeling that is consuming me at this moment that this is the last night I will be able to spend with Brett, it will be the last kiss I get from him this morning when he leaves for work, and it will be the last time I will ever feel his touch upon my skin or even feel his presence.
I REFUSE to let this be the last time I see him. I think he refuses too, pretty damn sure of it actually! I am taking some of his things with me, and he is getting to hold on to some of mine. Meaning, I have to come back or at least get back in contact with him. I love him and we have survived distance before, this will just be the test to see if our love can withstand the strain of distance and drama (yet again).
Going Back Home Soon!
09:16 Jan 08 2007
Times Read: 966
I don't want to leave here because for once I am doing better away from most of the drama and also I feel safe, happy, and secure.
BUT...
I am going back home soon for some very good reasons...
1. I miss everyone dearly, especially close family and friends... and my Nala Cat. I was going to visit for Christmas but didn't have the money to do so.
2. My mommy has something wrong with her back and she is off work right now. If she can't go back for a long while then she needs some source of income.
3. People and my kitty missing me. I don't like it when my family, friends, and my kitty feel as though I have abandoned them (especially since sometimes I feel like I did and feel guilty about leaving but I am happy and for once that is what matters to me).
The worse that could happen is the doctors telling my mom that she can't work anymore and I would move home permanently to help her with the bills and everything. Even if that happens I know my relationship with Brett can withstand it all. Not like we haven't dealt with distance being between us before... if at all possible I want to keep no distance between me and him though.
He won't be able to go back to Ohio with me this time but I plan on going back in March for my birthday and more importantly, my mom and dad's anniversary. I will be staying about a week then, if not longer... depending on what is going on at the time.
I will probably be going back close to a little over a week after this Friday since we are going with the seven day advance deal from GreyHound. I will be staying for a week to three weeks there. It all depends on my mommy and what all else happens. I also have an aunt who isn't in good health so I really need to spend time with her, even though the last time I saw her, we got into an argument and I left there on still sour terms with her. It's time to put a lot of my grudges to rest.
**Oh and I will probably try to put something written in my poetry section. It will say at the end by Ariel, just know that she is me, and I am her. She has been with me for a very long time and I finally acknowledged her existence. She is a pain in the butt... I love her though and she helps me deal with things of the past. She makes me deal with them and face them. I am thankful for her in an odd way although I will not talk about her that much... this is just a little introduction and/or explanation of why some of the things written in my notebooks read 'by Ariel' at the end**
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